Pregnancy Update: 30 Weeks

Yep, 30 weeks and I've lost my mind. B's been working A LOT lately and it's really getting to me. I'm just tired and starting to get anxious about having to leave town and travel to Perth to have the baby.

I really don't want to have to leave town, but I don't have a choice. Regional health in Western Australia really does suck. I mean, they kick you out of town at 36 weeks and give you very few options for health care.

I could go to Port Hedland, but the price of accommodation for ONE MONTH there is just ridiculous. I mean, we could go on an overseas holiday for the price of staying there. And what on earth would I do in Port Hedland for that long?? So Perth seemed like the best option. I mean I do have family there and there is plenty of things to do whilst I'm down there twiddling my thumbs waiting for baby to arrive, but seriously I just want to be able to sleep in my own bed every night and see my kids every day.

I'm going to miss Caden's 8th birthday and I think that is what is getting to me the most. I shouldn't EVER have to miss any of my kids birthdays, but because WA Health in all their wisdom have decided that you can no longer have babies in this town I have to miss his birthday and be away from the eldest two for at least two weeks.

And I really just want to be with B in the final weeks of this pregnancy too. Not 1600kms away!
All of this is messing with my mental health and I'm really starting to worry about what this is all doing to my chances of having PND again.

I'll be speaking to my GP when I see him again in 2 weeks, but there is nothing he can do about it. It would just be silly for B and the kids to come down with me at 36 weeks because that would mean that he would be wasting his holidays. It would be better for him to use his holidays for when the baby is actually born.

Oh and images like this are freaking me out too. I know I've done it all before be jeepers something that big coming out of there? It's equal parts amazing and OUCH.

So I guess that's 30 weeks.

At risk

{via we heart it} 

I've talk about this before and to warn you, I am probably going to continue to talk about this as this pregnancy goes on. But the fact of the matter is that I am at a higher risk of having postnatal depression because I was lucky enough to suffer from it in the past.

I have been speaking to my GP about the risks and also B and I have talked about it too. It's not something we are shying away from and I am certainly not embarrassed by these facts. Some people have been shocked when I do openly talk about my PND, but they need to realise that it's not something that I am or should be ashamed about.

It is just a part of my past but it could also be a part of my future. It's something I need to be aware of and something that I am not afraid to talk about openly. No one should be afraid to talk about their issues with depression. And people that do think that people should be ashamed to talk about it, well they should be ashamed of themselves.

Scared

If you've been hanging around here since the beginning you might remember my struggle with post natal depression after Ethan's birth.

I struggled for it for a while but with the help of counselors, medication, a great gp and not to forget B, I overcame it. There were times there when I did want everything to just cease to exist and I am scared that I will go through that again.

But I have to remember that there are several factors working with me this time.

• I know my warning signs
• My family knows my warning signs
• I'm better equipped at dealing with low moods to stop them in their tracks
• Because I know my warning signs I am able to ask for help at the first signs of them

Even though I have the above points helping me, it still scares me that it could happen again.

But I have several months up my sleeve to put everything in place to ensure that it doesn't happen again. But some things are out of my control and I have to remember that.

The things that are scaring me the most are the fact that I have to have the baby in Perth, 1600kms away from home. They don't deliver babies here and you have to leave town by 36 weeks. That means that Ethan and I will be leaving town early September and B and the other two will join me when school holidays start just after I reach 38 weeks. It also means that I'll be away from Caden for his 8th birthday and it'll be the longest time period that I have been away from any of my children. But it's the best thing otherwise they will miss too much school.

You'll probably see my writing about this a fair bit over the next few months as I work my way through these fears. But the thing I am trying to focus on the most is just how overwhelmingly happy we all are that our family is growing this year.

Rundown...

That's how I feel right now. Just spent, I could sleep for a week and I don't think that it would do me any good.

I need the sun and some time spent outdoors, but it is just already so so hot. You can feel the heat at 7:45am as we are walking to school, the sun just beating down and burning us already. What I really need is some sea and salt water, but we won't get to do that until after Christmas.

So much stuff has been going on in the background here and I haven't been able to share most of it, so I just haven't been writing at all. But I miss it here, I miss those of you that pop in and comment here. But again, I just can't share most of it.

There are work related frustrations, my PCOS is kicking my ass again, family stuff, landlord stuff... the list just goes on.

I know everyone has their own dramas to deal with and I know life is hard for a lot of people a lot of the time. My life is just making me eternally cranky and I need to take a step back and just breathe. I need time to get my health and energy levels back to normal but I just can't find the time. Throw in a demanding three year old whose only way of expressing himself lately is screaming at me and well I feel like I might just lose my mind any second.

Every since my battle with post natal depression I have been more aware of my moods and what they mean for me. I can feel myself slipping quick. I just hope I can stop myself, and bring myself back from the brink...

I read something, somewhere yesterday that motherhood and exhaustion go hand in hand. I think that's true, but it can't be the only way.

What do you do to lift your moods? Do you think motherhood and exhaustion go hand in hand?

You know what? I AM Okay!

Image from: weheartit.com

That title may sound strange to you, but to me, it makes me smile.

I have been catching myself thinking that a lot lately. This time 12 months ago I wanted to end my life, I wanted it to be over and I wanted to cease to exist. And you know you what, catching myself smiling at random moments and thinking that I am okay, it makes me feel more than okay.

I am happy, I am content with my kids, my life and my husband. I still lose my cool at times, but you know what. It is all manageable.

Life is far from easy, but I am enjoying it.

For those of you in the midst of PND, it does get better. I am proof of that.

This week is Postnatal Depression Awareness week. If you are in need of assistance Beyond Blue have a wealth of information. Please remember you are not alone.

The doubt is creeping in

{found here}

I have 4 posts saved as drafts that need to be edited and just no ambition to actually do it.

They are giveaway/review posts they need to be done soon. But right now I have so much stuff on my plate that I decided I wouldn't blog today, but then I missed it so thought maybe I would just come and write some dribble. I am good at rambling, not saying much and all, just typing for the sake of typing.

I have so many blogging goals, and I am reaching some of them, but I still don't really know where I want to take this baby of mine. I love the community that I have become a part of. I love that I have met new people because of this blogging thing. But at the same time, I still feel like I don't fit in. But that is the story of my life, I have never really felt that I fitted in. Not funny enough, not tall enough, not slim enough (and now, nowhere near slim at all). You get the drift. So this week I am really doubting myself. I know why my head is like this though. I have just been so busy and not sleeping so it is starting to get to me.

Anyway, what have you been up to?

Have you been bitten by the procrastination bug like me?

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Who knows, I might even finish all the posts and schedule them so I don't have to think about them anymore!

How to Help Raise Awareness About Depression

This post has been contributed by http://www.helpfordepression.com/

As it turns out, October is Depression Awareness Month.  Unfortunately, depression is all too common.  It can be a devastating illness, affecting as many as 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in Australia at some point in their lives, and it is a growing problem around the world.  The risk of suffering from depression is even greater for those with other illness or difficult life circumstances, ranging from diabetes to unemployment.

Because of the stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses, many suffering individuals are simply uncomfortable admitting they have a problem and seeking help.  Sadly, depression plays a major factor in many completed suicides and attempted suicides every year, and Australia has the 3^rdhighest suicide rate among developed countries.

The tragic part about this is that these deaths are preventable.  Most people with depression respond very well to professional counselling and medication.  Even online support groups, getting fresh air and exercise, and eating well can also help with symptoms of depression, but affected individuals need professional help, and they need to know where to get it.

Help for Depression is teaming up with To Write Love on Her Arms to raise money this month for depression awareness and outreach services.  Luckily, there is a quick and easy way we can all help.

Just “like” HelpForDepression.com on Facebook by October 15^th to automatically, and at no cost to you, donate $1 to the non-profit To Write Love on Her Arms.  After you do that, send the link to all of your friends so that they can do the same.

By doing your part for Depression Awareness Month, you can bring hope to thousands of men and women struggling with depression around the world.  Depression is a battle of epic proportions for many Australians, but fundraising and increasing awareness about this devastating mental illness can help erase the stigma associated with it.

So go ahead, “like” HelpForDepression.com on Facebook, and help those in need get the necessary resources for depression support and treatment services. 

R U OK? I'm not...

 Today is national R U OK? day. What is R U OK day?, well the website says this:

Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK?Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.
On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: "Are you OK?".
Staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feeling isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression and other mental illnesses, which can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love.
It's so simple. In the time it takes to have a coffee, you can start a conversation that could change a life.

Whilst I like the ideas behind R U Ok? day and I like the fact that it's exposure has got everyone talking about mental health and suicide, I am not really sure if I like it...  I wasn't going to post anything about it at all to tell you the truth. I wasn't sure (and I'm still not sure) how I feel about it or if what I say will be misconstrued. But I can honestly tell you that there are only two people in this whole world that I would tell the absolute truth to if I was asked this question, well maybe not two, but B would get the whole truth and one other would get most of the truth. But I hardly see her face to face, so it would be a rare occurrence.

Really in how many instances have you felt like absolute shite and someone has asked how you are and you flippantly replied, good thanks and you?

What do you think of R U OK day? Have you asked anyone if they R OK today? What did they say?

I guess I will leave it at that. I spilt coffee on my keyboard this morning and my keys are sticking so it is a real pain to type any more than this...

Put on your happy face...

 I wrote this about two months ago and it has been sitting in my drafts folder. I wasn't going to post it... but that would defeat the purpose. I have learnt that putting on my happy face helps no one and that I need to be happy from the inside out. Just to warn you I do mention suicide so if that freaks you out I suggest you don't read it...


I have been trying so hard to do that lately, Put on my happy face. It's not working to well. The irrational thoughts have crept back into my head. I expected it, I really did. There have been some very stressful things going on around here in the past few weeks. Stuff I don't want to put into cyber space, because it involves other people... but it is hard putting on my happy face and pretending everything is alright when there is a voice in my head telling me things would be so much simpler if I just went and got a knife and well ended it all for me. But the reality is I know this isn't the case. I can guarantee that I would never actually do that to myself... well as much as anyone can guarantee... I have seen the effects of suicide and they aren't pretty. I know what it would do to my kids and to B. I know that is the reality, but it doesn't stops the thoughts of doing it.

B wants me to be medicated again but I want to investigate my options first. I hated the medication I was on before. Whilst sometimes it helped my mind it messed with my body. My hair was falling out, my skin was worse then normal. I gained weight. And my god it is expensive! I am also looking for a new counsellor. I have had two. The first one expressed concerns for my kids on the mental health plan. When I question her about it she claimed to have not known why she wrote that... I lost all confidence in her. Not once through my PND journey have I wanted to hurt my kids or felt they were in danger.
My next counsellor wanted $110 per/hour to help me find the meaning of my life... Not exactly the approach I need at the time.

Reading back over this now, I can honestly tell you that I have weathered that storm well and the thoughts have again ceased... until next time that is. I can recognise a pattern in my moods and behaviours. I know I have to go and see my GP about it again, but don't want to be told to go back on the medications. Her fix is always drugs first talk later, and I don't want that approach...

#Trust30- So I just discovered that I have 15 minutes to live...

While wasting time on Twitter yesterday I came across a tweet  by TutuAmes about the #Trust30 challenge. I was intrigued and had to find out more.

#Trust30 is an online initiative and 30-day writing challenge that encourages you to look within and trust yourself. Use this as an opportunity to reflect on your now, and to create direction for your future. 30 prompts from inspiring thought-leaders will guide you on your writing journey.

For more info or to join up pop on over to http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/

So over the next 30 days, I will be taking part in the #trust30 writing challenge.  This initiative was inspired by the Domino Project, and is part of a celebration of Ralph Waldo Emerson’s 208th birthday – a great thinker, who encouraged self-reliance and betterment.
Seeing as I am signing up late I am going to try and cram a few posts in a day for the next few days... Wish me luck!

Day one prompt- Gwen Bell – 15 Minutes to Live

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.
1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.

(Author: Gwen Bell)

Okay well first I will no doubt panic. I have an immense fear of death. That may sound funny coming from someone who only 6-8 months ago was extremely suicidal and it was something I wished for everyday. My fear of death is probably what kept me alive...

 I would want to record something for my children to keep. Either letters or voice/video recording. I would also record something for B. They would all be told the same thing in one way or another. They have changed my life in many immeasurable ways. As I tell them daily, I would tell them one last time that I love them to the moon and back and that they mean the world to me.
I would quickly call a few select people hoping to only get voice mail as I am on a deadline people. Whilst doing this I will be downing a bottle of Moscato as fast as I can.
I would give my kids one last cuddle and kiss and disappear with B to say my last goodbye.
Fifteen minutes would be over in a blink of and eye. But it is more than a lot of people get. Our lives are fragile. They could be over in a second. So for that reason try to live like there is no tomorrow. By this I mean, don't leave things unsaid. There is no point bottling up feelings. Release them, tell people what you think even if they won't agree with it. No doubt it is a discussion that needs to be had.

So what would you do if you only had 15 minutes to live???

I am grateful for...

I missed last weekend grateful link up. To tell you the truth I haven't really felt grateful for much lately... well that's not entirely true. I have felt grateful for the same things I always do and those things being my three children, but everything else... just seems to hard. I have been slipping further and further into the abyss and trying to keep a smile on my face has just become to damn hard. But this week I just want to say that I AM grateful for my bloggy friends, the ones who comment here on my blog or respond to the comments I leave on their blogs. You give me a welcome distraction from my mind and I thank you for it.

Pop on over to Maxabella's to see what everyone else is grateful for this week.

Wordless Wednesday...

well almost wordless...

http://www.depressionblog.org/

The description on this photo was depressed child... and that is what I feel like at the moment...

I probably won't be blogging much over the next few days/week. I need to get my shit together cause I am really not coping at the moment.

Post Natal Depression... The good the bad and the ugly

You maybe thinking what is she on about, there is no good when it comes to Post Natal Depression. But I beg to differ, you just have to take a different perspective about things. For me Post Natal Depression has impacted my life and my family in a huge way. It has bought B and Me closer together (the good), but it did test our relationship whilst doing so (the bad), it made me resent my kids and B and times (the bad), but after the darkness went away it made me realise just how lucky I am to have the wonderful little family that I do (the good).

I am coming out the other end at the moment and whilst reflecting on what my last year has been. I realise that I have come out a stronger and better person. The last year has been hard. I have battled with irrational thoughts, meds that just didn't agree with me and people that just didn't understand what I was going through.
The irrational thoughts were unbearable at times and I was close to taking my own life on several occasions (the ugly). It is hard to admit, but I want to so that others know that it is okay to speak out and is nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is frowned upon in our society simply because many people are uneducated and ill-informed about the illness. If more people spoke out about it then the community as a whole would benefit.

http://www.panda.org.au/

Organisations such as Beyond Blue, PANDA, the Black Dog institute etc. do such a great job and offering assistance to people suffering through mental illness and their work in the community is invaluable. I am so thankful for the information they distribute as it helped B understand what I was going through when I couldn't put it into words and only tears would come when I tried.


So,  The Good was:

•  It made B and I so much closer and our relationship stronger
• I am now a stronger person because of it
• I now appreciate my life so much more

The Bad:

• The pressure it did put on my relationship
• The pressure it put on my kids- seeing their mum crying uncontrollably for no reason wouldn't of been easy on them. 
• Not being able to care for my kids they way they needed me (Don't worry, B and the grandparents stepped up to fill the void)

The Ugly:

• Irrational thoughts
• Wanting to take my own life

Sure the ugly does outweigh the good, but If I thought about that to much it would only send me back into the bad and I a determined never to get there again. I now have the ability to realise when things are getting a bit much for me, or my moods start to slip and I simply ask for help. There is no shame in doing that...


I am posting this because I hope that others see that it is okay to talk about PND/Depression and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we just have to deal with it and who knows, you may just come out on the other side a better person for it.

I could write a saga about this, but we all know my writing skills suck. So I will leave it there...

You know that feeling you get...

when you are about to snap? Well maybe you don't. But I do and I have it right now. I am so tired, the kids are pushing every button they can  and I have just had enough. I can feel myself sinking further and further with no end in sight. I have to work tomorrow and the thought of having to put a smile on my face for 10 hrs straight is just to hard to bear at the moment.

The thing is, things have been great for ages. It has been like PND what??? That never happened to me, I don't have that. But I have been putting to much pressure on myself and it has just become to much. B has been doing some crazy hours and I don't think that has helped either. But he wants to do the hours to build up our savings account and it makes sense. Things would be easier if we have a bigger buffer in that regards. He also plays footy so there is training two nights a week and the games on the weekend, that is when he isn't working which means he is home even less...

Argh, my thoughts are all jumbled at the moment...

Thanks for reading if you got this far and sorry for my whinge.

No wonder I feel so blergh!

I have posted before about my PND. When I was diagnosed I was also told I was anemic and put on iron supplements. When these didn't work I was then put on weekly iron injections in January and February and then told to come back in 6 weeks for a follow up blood test. That happened last week. Apparently  I still have very low iron levels and again have been told to take supplements. Now it didn't work last time so fingers crossed my luck has changed and things turn out alright this time around.
I had an inkling my iron levels where pretty shitty considering I am ALWAYS tired! No matter how much sleep I am getting I could always do with more!
I like to think that me PND has up and left me, but sometimes I feel like it peeking through. I have been down since Sunday, and first the first time since I have been diagnosed I have suffering from some anxiety. I have never had to deal with that before so the last few days after be crappy!

I have everything crossed that it goes back into hiding again soon and I don't see that black dog ever again.

Today is a better day!

imaged borrowed from http://www.pittwater.nsw.gov.au/environment

Today is a better day! I even managed to get the kids to swimming lessons on time this morning!

Now fingers crossed tomorrow is even better...

The Black Dog came to visit today...

And no I am not talking about my Black Labrador Angus. This is a mean dog that shows no mercy. He invades my head and is relentless. He is still here even though I have been begging him to go. I knew he would be visiting soon. I have felt the build up of his visiting coming for days, I tried my best to keep him away, but alas it did no good.

The problem with mental illness is that it is an invisble illness. No-one can see that you are sick from the outside. We depressives are good at putting on fake smiles, but sometimes faking it only makes our down days worse. I have been that good at faking it it seems that B had no idea today was coming even though I have spent that last two days telling him it was going to happen. That I could feel it building... He wants me to go back on my meds. I don't! I want to try another way. I hate medicating myself to the eyeballs and so does my body. You can tell by just looking at me. We you should be able to anyway! I thought you could until someone I hadn't seen in a while told me two days ago that I looked great... Yeah I look smashing alright. My hair is slowly falling out and one of the drugs made to stop losing weight and start gaining it!!! And now it just won't budge. And I am telling you IT NEEDS TO BUDGE! I have 30kgs to lose.. there I said it. I need to lose a WHOLE 30kgs!

Well that is all for today. Just because the Black Dog is visiting doesn't mean my life can stop. I still have 3 kids to look after and one of them is in need of some dinner.

Wish me luck!

Party preps and The Zoo!

Well so much for posting everyday! Maybe that is why Ethan was looking at me like this today

Maybe he new I was telling porkies! 3

Things have been crazy here with Kindy, Swimming lessons and not to forget the preparations from Mahli's 3rd Birthday Party this weekend. I am working all day tomorrow so have to make a start on the cake tonight and Little Miss has requested a trampoline from the Women's Weekly Kids Birthday Cake Cookbook. Which looks easy peasy! I am so glad she changed her mind from the Castle I made from her first birthday. It wasn't hard, but it took A LOT of time, which I don't have at present.

So far I have baked some cupcakes,

started on the pinata,

made some sausage rolls (sorry no photo's of them!) and stocked up the party bags. I still have to make the pizza scrolls, Jelly cups, and well a whole lot more. I was planning on giving each guest a small pencil roll, but when I counted up how many kids are coming (17) and counted down the days I had left to do it I quickly changed my mind!!!

 They are quick and easy to whip up, but I since I have been trying to finish my Sherbet Pips Quilt for Caden I didn't want to put to much on my plate. I am already not sleeping since ceasing my meds that I don't want to overwhelm myself and end up in a blubbering mess again.

I inadvertently ceased my meds! You remember how we went to Brisbane last week to see my grandad in hospital. Well silly me forgot to pack all of my medication (including The Pill ekk!!!) so after 3 days of withdrawals (including irrational thoughts) I decided screw this I am not taking them again only to go through it again when my Dr agrees I can cease. I have been doing pretty good so don't see any harm in my not taking them. I have the self awareness now to know when I am going down hill and ask B for help straight away. 

You're probably wondering where I am going to start talking (or writing???) about the Zoo I mention in the post title. Well that is what my Family calls our house. And since our recent additions of Jessie and Minnie the guinea pigs Brendan has been joking that he is going to start charging an admission fee upon entry. You we do have a few (or ALOT) of animals here. Lets go through the tally.

Dogs-

Bella-our beautiful golden Labrador

Angus- our mischievous Black Lab

Remy- Our cranky miniature dachshund

Cats-

Shadow- Caden's Black and White Moggy

Sophie- My loner seal point Ragdoll

She likes to keep to herself

 Boots- Brendan Blue Point Raggy

Ollie- Mahli's Blue Lynx Point Raggy

He really needs a brush!

Birds-

We have 4 Budgies- Cuddlepot, Cuddlepie, Dora and Deigo

Guinea Pigs-

Jessie is a self golden sow and Minnie is a self black sow.

There you go that is all our animals. We have quiet a menagerie. I will try and post pics of the rest of the tribe next week.We used to have fish until Mahli feed them a red crayon last year. Thankfully she has improved in her per caring skills.

Bye bye for now! I have a cake to bake xx

Where do I begin?

I am trying for a fresh start to blogging... wish me luck. I was never much good at English whilst at school but that was almost a decade ago so hopefully my grammar has improved in the big wide world. Oh who am I kidding my grammar still sucks to put it bluntly, so I apologise to anyone who may discover my blog for any misspelt words, long sentences etc.

There are many reasons as to why I want to start blogging again, but mostly I just want somewhere to share my thoughts for the day and a place to display my new crafty pursuits. That was another thing I wasn't much good at whilst at school, Home Ec. But since having kids I seem to have gained a love of sewing, crafting and creating so I will be using this blog to keep track of my creations of which I hope there are many!

I have started to get back into sewing as some me time. I am recovering from Post Natal Depression after the birth of E who is now 7 months old. Well some days I feel like I am recovering and others just feel like I am back to square one. But my doctors and counsellors encouraged me to get back into something I enjoy so here goes. Wish me luck on my sewing journey or rather wish my sewing machine luck as I almost threw it out the window today followed my a phone call to my husband begging for a new one!

Well I guess that is it for now. I can hear a fight ensuing in the living room...