I wrote this about two months ago and it has been sitting in my drafts folder. I wasn't going to post it... but that would defeat the purpose. I have learnt that putting on my happy face helps no one and that I need to be happy from the inside out. Just to warn you I do mention suicide so if that freaks you out I suggest you don't read it...
I have been trying so hard to do that lately, Put on my happy face. It's not working to well. The irrational thoughts have crept back into my head. I expected it, I really did. There have been some very stressful things going on around here in the past few weeks. Stuff I don't want to put into cyber space, because it involves other people... but it is hard putting on my happy face and pretending everything is alright when there is a voice in my head telling me things would be so much simpler if I just went and got a knife and well ended it all for me. But the reality is I know this isn't the case. I can guarantee that I would never actually do that to myself... well as much as anyone can guarantee... I have seen the effects of suicide and they aren't pretty. I know what it would do to my kids and to B. I know that is the reality, but it doesn't stops the thoughts of doing it.
B wants me to be medicated again but I want to investigate my options first. I hated the medication I was on before. Whilst sometimes it helped my mind it messed with my body. My hair was falling out, my skin was worse then normal. I gained weight. And my god it is expensive! I am also looking for a new counsellor. I have had two. The first one expressed concerns for my kids on the mental health plan. When I question her about it she claimed to have not known why she wrote that... I lost all confidence in her. Not once through my PND journey have I wanted to hurt my kids or felt they were in danger.
My next counsellor wanted $110 per/hour to help me find the meaning of my life... Not exactly the approach I need at the time.
Reading back over this now, I can honestly tell you that I have weathered that storm well and the thoughts have again ceased... until next time that is. I can recognise a pattern in my moods and behaviours. I know I have to go and see my GP about it again, but don't want to be told to go back on the medications. Her fix is always drugs first talk later, and I don't want that approach...
Oh Amy, I know all too well the struggle of pnd...I suffered with it for much of last year and it has really clouded my memories of our little ones first year of life. I too was very reluctant to take meds and opted to have therapy..which thankfully was free but so great for the healing process. I was lucky to have a GP understand and support my decision. Try and find some one who will really listen to you and give you what you need.
ReplyDeleteTake care hon.
x
Hello there :)
ReplyDeleteI dont usually comment too much as im still so new with blogging but I just wanted to thank you for your post.
I am a married mother of two beautiful girls and have suffered PND on and off for almost 4 years. I went though what seemed like a dozen phychologists, phychiatrists and councillers..and medications (effexor did me in!) and natural therapy. even a stint with hypnisis lol
I just wanted to say that 6 months ago I read about the contraceptive pill Yasmin. Its a low dose contraceptive but extreamly effective for various conditions like anxiety, depression and acne (boy did I need that..)
anyway, I ended up trying it even with the gp warning that for some it doesnt work and low and behold, my extreme anxiety and depressive bouts went away for 99% of the last 6 months! I have to say once in a blue moon I might feel a little anxious but nothing like I ever was and the acne went away as well as my hair actually becoming normal again. The doctors surmise it was hormones being out of whack that caused the PND now.
I cant stand seeing others go through what I have so if anything, I hope I give you something to think about!
You have such a wonderful blog, an really are an inspiration speaking out :) if only more people did this wouldnt be such a taboo topic!
oops.. sorry about the errors..a result of typing in the cold!
ReplyDeleteAmy I am so sorry you are struggling right now. I'm glad you are going back to see your GP. As an outsider and somebody who doesn't know you your post is screaming out to me that you need some help.
ReplyDeleteI understand your aversion to medication as the be all and end all BUT it may be that you are going to need meds to get better.
Finding the right drug and the right dosage can take some time. Be totally honest with your doctor and I am sure you can work out a plan of action that you both feel comfortable with.(perhaps trying new meds in a week or two if you are not feeling any better)
Finding a suitable counsellor is also sometimes a challenging and time consuming task. It is of the utmost importance that you feel comfortable with your counsellor.(I've had not so great experiences myself with counsellors and their opinions about me and my kids) The important thing is not to give up looking for help. I know counsellors cost the earth as a rule but there are usually schemes available where you pay a minimal fee (or nothing). Your GP or your local health centre should be able to help out with contacts. Or charities like the Salvos etc.
Please remember you are not alone and keep asking for help until somebody listens to you. If it helps take a trusted friend or loved one to your appointments with you. Gentle hugs xx