You might remember my D-day post a few weeks ago, and if you don't it was simply about the fact that I had to make a decision as to what I am going to do work wise. Well I tried to discuss and negotiate my return to work with them yesterday (it was probably our 4th discussion because they hadn't offered me anything at all) Anyway it did not go well and I ended up coming home and crying (it is what I do when I get angry...)
I wanted to be able to work around the kids schooling hours so that I could be home and available to the kids most of the time. I wanted to have to only have to find care for Ethan and not Ethan and Mahli...
I want time to actually have a clean and organised house without loosing huge amounts of sleep. Because even with just two children and working full time before Ethan's birth I was always tired and run down while trying to stay on top of things.
Really I would like to be able to stay home full time, but I can't. I want time to sew, knit and create too, but I can't.
I want to be able to go to school assemblies and performances. I want to be there for sports days, and when Ethan is older I want to be able to help out in their classes. If I was working the hours I previously was I just wouldn't be able to do that.
Part of this is because my mother wasn't able to do that for us. She worked from a long as I can remember. When I was little it was okay because she worked for my grandparents in the family business, but they sold up and moved when I was 9. I used to get myself ready in the morning along with my brother and we would go off school by ourselves and then come home to an empty house. We would only be home by ourselves for an hour, but still we came home to an empty house.
I don't begrudge my Mum for that. She had to work so that we could have all the things that we did. But I don't want that for my kids. I want to be accessible to them.
I want to put aside any thoughts for a career for the foreseeable future.
I just want to be a home maker and do all that it entails. I just feel like that is the right thing for us and me in particular at this point in time. If only I actually could.
I am linking up with Jess for IBOT
