At risk

{via we heart it} 

I've talk about this before and to warn you, I am probably going to continue to talk about this as this pregnancy goes on. But the fact of the matter is that I am at a higher risk of having postnatal depression because I was lucky enough to suffer from it in the past.

I have been speaking to my GP about the risks and also B and I have talked about it too. It's not something we are shying away from and I am certainly not embarrassed by these facts. Some people have been shocked when I do openly talk about my PND, but they need to realise that it's not something that I am or should be ashamed about.

It is just a part of my past but it could also be a part of my future. It's something I need to be aware of and something that I am not afraid to talk about openly. No one should be afraid to talk about their issues with depression. And people that do think that people should be ashamed to talk about it, well they should be ashamed of themselves.

Pressure

image source

I put so much pressure on myself to get things done, to get things right. And then I beat myself up so so much when things don't work out the way I had planned.

I have talked a lot lately about how I am just not coping with things. I do good at hiding it from those around me though. B has no idea just how far I have slid...

The unknown of everything around me is just doing my head in. I went to the doctors the other day to have a chat about my PCOS and the possibility of try to conceive sooner rather than later. We discussed my options and have scaled back some of the medication and am going to cease the pill in the next few months. But I am scared that the scaling back of the other medication is going to make my symptoms worse. I had really bad cystic acne a few months ago, it was painful and humiliating. I am scared that it is going to come back.

One of the reasons that I have been hiding my fears and just how much I am not coping from B is because he was hesitant to have another child because of my post natal depression. He never wants me to go back to the place that I was in. And I don't either...

There is a lot I can't talk about here, it involves other people. And that makes it hard for me too. There I things I need to say, but I can't. Things I want to say, but I worry about how others will perceive them.

You can probably tell from this post that I can't get my head straight, because my words probably don't make much sense. But as I type this I am starting to see what I need to do and where I need to go to from here.

I think I need to get a new t-shirt

and it will simply say I have PCOS...

I am a bit sensitive this morning after working a fair bit in the last few days. I work in the customer service area as a supervisor and well that role means I deal with a lot of people every shift. Be that other staff and the many many customers that come through the doors. It also means that I feel increasingly self conscience when someone zeros in on the huge zit that has just erupted from my jaw line, or the stray hair that I missed in a plucking session before going to work.

Try as I might a lot of my symptoms are visible to the outside world, but they are also symptoms that are viewed as  'ugly' by the world. Which makes my anxiety about the issues so much worse.

I have felt very very anxious about my facial hair and acne lately. On the school run, at work, even just talking to friends. Most of them don't know that I do have PCOS and that currently my symptoms are pretty bad even though I am treating them. You might also remember my post from a few weeks ago about the radio announcers ridiculing the women with a 'beard', well that is still playing on my mind too. Do people say that about me when I am not around. Have I missed that stray hair this morning? What exactly do they see when they look at me?

It is just a none stop circle of thoughts going around and around in my head. I wish I knew how to stop it but I don't...

You know what? I AM Okay!

Image from: weheartit.com

That title may sound strange to you, but to me, it makes me smile.

I have been catching myself thinking that a lot lately. This time 12 months ago I wanted to end my life, I wanted it to be over and I wanted to cease to exist. And you know you what, catching myself smiling at random moments and thinking that I am okay, it makes me feel more than okay.

I am happy, I am content with my kids, my life and my husband. I still lose my cool at times, but you know what. It is all manageable.

Life is far from easy, but I am enjoying it.

For those of you in the midst of PND, it does get better. I am proof of that.

This week is Postnatal Depression Awareness week. If you are in need of assistance Beyond Blue have a wealth of information. Please remember you are not alone.

The doubt is creeping in

{found here}

I have 4 posts saved as drafts that need to be edited and just no ambition to actually do it.

They are giveaway/review posts they need to be done soon. But right now I have so much stuff on my plate that I decided I wouldn't blog today, but then I missed it so thought maybe I would just come and write some dribble. I am good at rambling, not saying much and all, just typing for the sake of typing.

I have so many blogging goals, and I am reaching some of them, but I still don't really know where I want to take this baby of mine. I love the community that I have become a part of. I love that I have met new people because of this blogging thing. But at the same time, I still feel like I don't fit in. But that is the story of my life, I have never really felt that I fitted in. Not funny enough, not tall enough, not slim enough (and now, nowhere near slim at all). You get the drift. So this week I am really doubting myself. I know why my head is like this though. I have just been so busy and not sleeping so it is starting to get to me.

Anyway, what have you been up to?

Have you been bitten by the procrastination bug like me?

Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. Who knows, I might even finish all the posts and schedule them so I don't have to think about them anymore!

How to Help Raise Awareness About Depression

This post has been contributed by http://www.helpfordepression.com/

As it turns out, October is Depression Awareness Month.  Unfortunately, depression is all too common.  It can be a devastating illness, affecting as many as 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men in Australia at some point in their lives, and it is a growing problem around the world.  The risk of suffering from depression is even greater for those with other illness or difficult life circumstances, ranging from diabetes to unemployment.

Because of the stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses, many suffering individuals are simply uncomfortable admitting they have a problem and seeking help.  Sadly, depression plays a major factor in many completed suicides and attempted suicides every year, and Australia has the 3^rdhighest suicide rate among developed countries.

The tragic part about this is that these deaths are preventable.  Most people with depression respond very well to professional counselling and medication.  Even online support groups, getting fresh air and exercise, and eating well can also help with symptoms of depression, but affected individuals need professional help, and they need to know where to get it.

Help for Depression is teaming up with To Write Love on Her Arms to raise money this month for depression awareness and outreach services.  Luckily, there is a quick and easy way we can all help.

Just “like” HelpForDepression.com on Facebook by October 15^th to automatically, and at no cost to you, donate $1 to the non-profit To Write Love on Her Arms.  After you do that, send the link to all of your friends so that they can do the same.

By doing your part for Depression Awareness Month, you can bring hope to thousands of men and women struggling with depression around the world.  Depression is a battle of epic proportions for many Australians, but fundraising and increasing awareness about this devastating mental illness can help erase the stigma associated with it.

So go ahead, “like” HelpForDepression.com on Facebook, and help those in need get the necessary resources for depression support and treatment services. 

R U OK? I'm not...

 Today is national R U OK? day. What is R U OK day?, well the website says this:

Thursday 15 September, 2011 is R U OK?Day. It’s a national day of action which aims to prevent suicide by encouraging Australians to connect with someone they care about and help stop little problems turning into big ones.
On that day we want everyone across the country, from all backgrounds and walks of life, to ask family, friends and colleagues: "Are you OK?".
Staying connected with others is crucial to our general health and wellbeing. Feeling isolated or hopeless can contribute to depression and other mental illnesses, which can ultimately result in suicide. Regular, meaningful conversations can protect those we know and love.
It's so simple. In the time it takes to have a coffee, you can start a conversation that could change a life.

Whilst I like the ideas behind R U Ok? day and I like the fact that it's exposure has got everyone talking about mental health and suicide, I am not really sure if I like it...  I wasn't going to post anything about it at all to tell you the truth. I wasn't sure (and I'm still not sure) how I feel about it or if what I say will be misconstrued. But I can honestly tell you that there are only two people in this whole world that I would tell the absolute truth to if I was asked this question, well maybe not two, but B would get the whole truth and one other would get most of the truth. But I hardly see her face to face, so it would be a rare occurrence.

Really in how many instances have you felt like absolute shite and someone has asked how you are and you flippantly replied, good thanks and you?

What do you think of R U OK day? Have you asked anyone if they R OK today? What did they say?

I guess I will leave it at that. I spilt coffee on my keyboard this morning and my keys are sticking so it is a real pain to type any more than this...

What some people don't get

 
Yes, everything may seem fine when you are reading someones blog, but behind the scenes there are usually many things going on. I mean not the whole of my life makes this blog. For one, it would be mightily boring if it did and two, I do like some privacy.

So some things that I haven't told you:

• Ethan got his 12 month needles last week (3 weeks late as he had to get over his croup first)
• This in turn has made him irritable and not sleeping for the past 4 days
• My Anxiety is giving me hell and leaving the house is a real effort
• I am trying out some new treatments for my PND, but I am taking a beating until they kick in
• Mahlis new trick is to barter her way out of things, be it only eating 4 mouthfuls of dinner instead of the whole lot, or only doing 1 job instead of two. Even down to whether or not we can brush her hair today
• Caden is practising everyday to make his own sandwiches. He tells me he has to practice, practice, practice everyday
• B is at work again today. It seems he is never home (he does shift work, but has been doing  a lot of overtime too)
• Ethan has learnt how to climb up onto things, like my bed, the lounge etc. If only he knew how to climb down without hurting himself in the process

This is only a few of the things going on. There is still a lot left unsaid. So please remember that when you see me or talk to me, you don't know everything...

I am grateful for...

I missed last weekend grateful link up. To tell you the truth I haven't really felt grateful for much lately... well that's not entirely true. I have felt grateful for the same things I always do and those things being my three children, but everything else... just seems to hard. I have been slipping further and further into the abyss and trying to keep a smile on my face has just become to damn hard. But this week I just want to say that I AM grateful for my bloggy friends, the ones who comment here on my blog or respond to the comments I leave on their blogs. You give me a welcome distraction from my mind and I thank you for it.

Pop on over to Maxabella's to see what everyone else is grateful for this week.

Wordless Wednesday...

well almost wordless...

http://www.depressionblog.org/

The description on this photo was depressed child... and that is what I feel like at the moment...

I probably won't be blogging much over the next few days/week. I need to get my shit together cause I am really not coping at the moment.

Post Natal Depression... The good the bad and the ugly

You maybe thinking what is she on about, there is no good when it comes to Post Natal Depression. But I beg to differ, you just have to take a different perspective about things. For me Post Natal Depression has impacted my life and my family in a huge way. It has bought B and Me closer together (the good), but it did test our relationship whilst doing so (the bad), it made me resent my kids and B and times (the bad), but after the darkness went away it made me realise just how lucky I am to have the wonderful little family that I do (the good).

I am coming out the other end at the moment and whilst reflecting on what my last year has been. I realise that I have come out a stronger and better person. The last year has been hard. I have battled with irrational thoughts, meds that just didn't agree with me and people that just didn't understand what I was going through.
The irrational thoughts were unbearable at times and I was close to taking my own life on several occasions (the ugly). It is hard to admit, but I want to so that others know that it is okay to speak out and is nothing to be ashamed of. Mental illness is frowned upon in our society simply because many people are uneducated and ill-informed about the illness. If more people spoke out about it then the community as a whole would benefit.

http://www.panda.org.au/

Organisations such as Beyond Blue, PANDA, the Black Dog institute etc. do such a great job and offering assistance to people suffering through mental illness and their work in the community is invaluable. I am so thankful for the information they distribute as it helped B understand what I was going through when I couldn't put it into words and only tears would come when I tried.


So,  The Good was:

•  It made B and I so much closer and our relationship stronger
• I am now a stronger person because of it
• I now appreciate my life so much more

The Bad:

• The pressure it did put on my relationship
• The pressure it put on my kids- seeing their mum crying uncontrollably for no reason wouldn't of been easy on them. 
• Not being able to care for my kids they way they needed me (Don't worry, B and the grandparents stepped up to fill the void)

The Ugly:

• Irrational thoughts
• Wanting to take my own life

Sure the ugly does outweigh the good, but If I thought about that to much it would only send me back into the bad and I a determined never to get there again. I now have the ability to realise when things are getting a bit much for me, or my moods start to slip and I simply ask for help. There is no shame in doing that...


I am posting this because I hope that others see that it is okay to talk about PND/Depression and that it is nothing to be ashamed of. Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and we just have to deal with it and who knows, you may just come out on the other side a better person for it.

I could write a saga about this, but we all know my writing skills suck. So I will leave it there...

Today is a better day!

imaged borrowed from http://www.pittwater.nsw.gov.au/environment

Today is a better day! I even managed to get the kids to swimming lessons on time this morning!

Now fingers crossed tomorrow is even better...

The Black Dog came to visit today...

And no I am not talking about my Black Labrador Angus. This is a mean dog that shows no mercy. He invades my head and is relentless. He is still here even though I have been begging him to go. I knew he would be visiting soon. I have felt the build up of his visiting coming for days, I tried my best to keep him away, but alas it did no good.

The problem with mental illness is that it is an invisble illness. No-one can see that you are sick from the outside. We depressives are good at putting on fake smiles, but sometimes faking it only makes our down days worse. I have been that good at faking it it seems that B had no idea today was coming even though I have spent that last two days telling him it was going to happen. That I could feel it building... He wants me to go back on my meds. I don't! I want to try another way. I hate medicating myself to the eyeballs and so does my body. You can tell by just looking at me. We you should be able to anyway! I thought you could until someone I hadn't seen in a while told me two days ago that I looked great... Yeah I look smashing alright. My hair is slowly falling out and one of the drugs made to stop losing weight and start gaining it!!! And now it just won't budge. And I am telling you IT NEEDS TO BUDGE! I have 30kgs to lose.. there I said it. I need to lose a WHOLE 30kgs!

Well that is all for today. Just because the Black Dog is visiting doesn't mean my life can stop. I still have 3 kids to look after and one of them is in need of some dinner.

Wish me luck!