Pressure

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I put so much pressure on myself to get things done, to get things right. And then I beat myself up so so much when things don't work out the way I had planned.

I have talked a lot lately about how I am just not coping with things. I do good at hiding it from those around me though. B has no idea just how far I have slid...

The unknown of everything around me is just doing my head in. I went to the doctors the other day to have a chat about my PCOS and the possibility of try to conceive sooner rather than later. We discussed my options and have scaled back some of the medication and am going to cease the pill in the next few months. But I am scared that the scaling back of the other medication is going to make my symptoms worse. I had really bad cystic acne a few months ago, it was painful and humiliating. I am scared that it is going to come back.

One of the reasons that I have been hiding my fears and just how much I am not coping from B is because he was hesitant to have another child because of my post natal depression. He never wants me to go back to the place that I was in. And I don't either...

There is a lot I can't talk about here, it involves other people. And that makes it hard for me too. There I things I need to say, but I can't. Things I want to say, but I worry about how others will perceive them.

You can probably tell from this post that I can't get my head straight, because my words probably don't make much sense. But as I type this I am starting to see what I need to do and where I need to go to from here.

Sinking

This week has just been a long long week and I have felt like I have been chasing my tail the whole time. If you walked into my house at the moment you would probably declare it a bio-hazard and high tail it out of here quick smart.

I just can't seem to say on top of things at the moment and it has a flow on effect to my moods. Really the house looks how my head feels.  This week didn't start off well with my return to work discussions and then B ended up working some really long days which seen him come home and fall asleep pretty much instantly so I haven't been able to talk to him about any of the 'stuff' that is going on.

I am also almost at the end of my first 3 months of treatment for PCOS. Some things have improved, but some not so much. I am due to go back to the doctors in 2 weeks so we can re-asses some things, but again I want to talk to B about it all and we just haven't been able to get any down time to actually talk about it all.

Hopefully the weekend brings us all some rest and relaxation so I can start next week off with a better frame of mind.

How to cope when you fell like you just can't keep your head above water? (You do feel like that occasionally, right?! It is completely normal???)

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I think I need to get a new t-shirt

and it will simply say I have PCOS...

I am a bit sensitive this morning after working a fair bit in the last few days. I work in the customer service area as a supervisor and well that role means I deal with a lot of people every shift. Be that other staff and the many many customers that come through the doors. It also means that I feel increasingly self conscience when someone zeros in on the huge zit that has just erupted from my jaw line, or the stray hair that I missed in a plucking session before going to work.

Try as I might a lot of my symptoms are visible to the outside world, but they are also symptoms that are viewed as  'ugly' by the world. Which makes my anxiety about the issues so much worse.

I have felt very very anxious about my facial hair and acne lately. On the school run, at work, even just talking to friends. Most of them don't know that I do have PCOS and that currently my symptoms are pretty bad even though I am treating them. You might also remember my post from a few weeks ago about the radio announcers ridiculing the women with a 'beard', well that is still playing on my mind too. Do people say that about me when I am not around. Have I missed that stray hair this morning? What exactly do they see when they look at me?

It is just a none stop circle of thoughts going around and around in my head. I wish I knew how to stop it but I don't...

McFatty Monday {with linky}

It has been a few weeks since I posted a McFatty Monday post. I needed to get my head around the PCOS diagnoses. Whilst my head is still spinning from it, I now feel confident that I can deal with whatever this means for me.

I am just over two weeks into my medication and I am seeing some improvements already. They are only small, but that are noticeable to me.

My PCOS diagnoses also means that it is even more important for me to shift this weight. It also means that it might be harder for me then what it is for most people to lose weight. But I feel confident that I can do this.

Truthfully, exercise has taken a back seat lately, you might have noticed that I haven't been in a very good head space that last few weeks and was only doing the basics in my day to day life. But last week I kind of hit my stride. I got most of the house organised, I got on top of chores, hell, I have even scheduled some blog posts for both here and over at And Sew We Craft.

Here's hoping I can keep this up!

So this week the plan is:

• 8 glasses of water a day- minimum
• Bed by 10pm every night (might be hard on Tuesday as I am working at wont get home until 930pm)
• 3 times cardio exercise
• 2x core/ toning exercise

 So what about you, what are you doing to take care of yourself this week?

As always if you have posted about healthy living/weight loss recently, please link up below and I will pop over and visit.

Brain Dump

I am having one of those days. A teary kind of day. I just feel overwhelmed with everything and I have a thousand thoughts going through my head.

The day started off okay, then as I was driving the kids to school the stupid radio announcer started talking about a lady he met yesterday. He started by saying that he had a lovely chat with her, but couldn't keep his eyes of something. His female co-host said, what her breasts? He said no, nothing like that. He than went on to say that she was in her late 20's and had a beard... Not just a stray hair here or there, but a beard.

Now this subject is touchy for me, especially at the moment. With the PCOS diagnosis so clear in my mind, I now have a reason for my 'beard', and my daily plucking regime. But I am always concise of my chin and the fact that I have hair where there just isn't supposed to be on a women. There are mornings when I don't have time to 'check my chin', and I am always conscience of what people can see. Then this moron on our local radio station goes and asks the question of whether it is publicly acceptable to say to a lady, 'hey, do you know you have a beard?'

Well buddy, this women no doubt knows that she has what you call a beard, and she is probably already very self conscience of that fact. And douches like you saying this in a public medium is just uncalled for, your laughing and ridicule of the women was also uncalled for.

I was fuming after hearing this and it really shook me today.

Couple that with starting my treatment regime for PCOS yesterday and I am just a ball of bubbling emotions. I am on the pill for the next 3 months along with a few other medications to try and set my cycles right and get my hormones in check.  But I still feel in the dark about a lot of things. I had wanted to try for another baby this year too, but that doesn't look like it is on the cards either.

This post probably doesn't make much sense, but I needed to type out what is in my head at the moment in an effect to make sense of it all.

Do you think the douche of a radio announcer was out of line, or am I just overly sensitive today?

I am linking up with Jess for IBOT!

Woe is me

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I am feeling very woe is me today. Don't get me wrong, parts of today were pretty good. Mahli and I spent some time together, just the two of us. We were running errands, but it was still good to just be us and I got to give her my full attention. I really need to make more time to do that with each of the kids.

But the woe part comes in after dealing with a very very screamy (it so is a word!) Ethan this afternoon. That boy knows how to use his lungs when he wants to demand something.

Couple his demanding toddler behaviour with more test results back today and my head is in overdrive. The diagnoses of PCOS has been confirmed, but I don't feel relief from that. I am so confused as to what that actually means. There is so much information out there and I just don't know where to start. I am seeing my doctor again on Monday and hope to be armed with questions for her so hopefully my head slows down a bit. It is in my nature to just over think everything and that isn't doing me any favours at the moment.

Do you over think every little thing? What do you do to stop that?

McFatty Monday

I am kind of in limbo this week waiting for some more results after my trip to the doctors last week so I don't feel like writing much of a post for you for this McFatty Monday.

I am kinda of in limbo at the moment waiting for more tests and results and then finding out where to go from here. Everything is pointing to a diagnosis of PCOS and it kind of makes sense.

It makes sense of a lot of things I have struggled with for a long time.

And it also sheds a little light on why after sticking to a pretty good diet and exercise routine that I have lost barely anything.

So sorry for a bit of a nothing post, it probably doesn't make much sense at all... but please link up below and I will pop in and visit to check out your weight loss/healthy living post.